the tainted life


Blog For Free!

Archives
Home
2004 November

tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images


Sponsored
Blog
i don't know
11.09.04 (7:04 pm)   [edit]
i don't know anything anymore.  except that i rush into things a lot.  and i get hurt by them.  i always think it's different too.  like this time, i did.  i thought he was great for me, he said he was, but all of a sudden, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.  why is that?  why do i always repel people?  it seems to happen a lot, they just don't want to be with me anymore.  and i'm really sad this time, because i have no one to run to at all.  i'm not going to have a social life...i guess it's okay.  this doesn't mean i'll do homework though.  it just means i'll sit around and think about stuff...get to thinking "too much" and then i won't be able to move.  like right now...i've been crying so much that i feel sick.  i literally feel like i'm going to throw up.  i don't like that.  why do guys make me feel this way?  i would much rather skip this day, even go back to yesterday.  although yesterday sucked, it could have been better.  actually, i thought today was better, but it turns out to be the worst.  oh well.  i guess life just sucks.  i don't know if i can handle it anymore...we'll see how tomorrow goes.
 
pic
11.09.04 (9:08 am)   [edit]
so i just added this pic, and i don't know how to make it smaller...any ideas?
it's a pic of me marching in the cornhusker marching band!  what a blast, i love it.  i'll hopefully be putting up more pics of all my friends in the wonderful bone section.  maybe even a list of our section goals...hehe.
 
upon further reflection...
11.09.04 (8:36 am)   [edit]

this morning did not go very well, and i have a simple poem from it.  it is not really poetic, but more a statement of how i felt.

numb
mind in a blur
i don't understand

masses of chaos
swirl around me

the leaves fall gently
it's only him i want

walk with me
hold me
laugh with me

all around me
the chaos heightens
i stand alone

tears begin to form
he walks away

they streak my face
scars on a da Vinci painting

goodbye, my dear,
i hope you return.
------


but upon further reflection, and after reading the comments on my last post...i have settled down a little.  i hope that this all works out for the better, and i thank those who commented and gave me support.  i still have hope, as now instead of being angry with him, i miss him dearly.  i just want to talk to him now, and i don't know when i will be able to.


i have an art history exam today that i have not studied for at all, and i don't know if i'll be able to concentrate...i'm also living on about 3 hours of sleep.  not good.  out.
 
when?
11.08.04 (7:18 pm)   [edit]

so i hate it that everything is going wrong...i mean, things go so well, and then jump off the cliff into canyon so fast...i feel so invisible...so unwanted by earthly people...or maybe just one of them...


why is it that when you want to run away from everything but that one person, that person is running away from you?


it seems that my efforts are futile...when i feel like i know someone, i only know my dream of them...when they tell me things will be beautiful, they turn out to break my heart.


i want to say that he didn't make me cry, but i don't know if i can...i haven't cried yet...but the tears are on the way, soon...


where does it end?  where does the pain and heartache end?
 
crappiness
11.08.04 (10:03 am)   [edit]

i think i'm going to stick with this blog...it seems cool enough, i just need to figure out how to do all the stuff on here.  does anyone have any tips on how to get the pictures in the background, or even a picture on my profile?  (just want you guys to check out how sexy i am...jk). 


today was kind of crappy, i'm kind of upset with someone, but then i made up with another friend that i hadn't been getting along with...so maybe they cancel out.  yeah, right.  now i have a lot of chemistry homework to do...exam this week.  yippeee...if i fail, i'm considering changing my major so i don't have to take it again.  i hate it that much.  hopefully the rest of the day is a lot better...i'm headed to the shower to destink myself.  out.
 
i'm new...
11.07.04 (7:52 am)   [edit]

so i am just checking out this blog site...i just wanted to sign in so i could comment on some of my friends' blogs.  but it turns out that it's created this blog for me.  i already have one on another site, but i might switch over to this one.  not sure. 


as for now, i have to go play in the Big Red Express pep band to cheer on the Huskers in women's basketball and volleyball.  i love UNL!


my other blog:


http://emazone.blogspot.com" title="http://emazone.blogspot.com" target="_blank"http://emazone.blogspot.com